In my year and a half of teaching I have found that as much as my professors taught me in college they didn't prepare me for teaching. Sure they drilled us on formative and summative assessment. And how to create lesson plans. We had one class on classroom management and learned a little about the disabilities our students might have. But they didn't prepare me for IEPs, interventions, disciplining, working with parents, motivation, meeting AYP, and so much more. And they sure didn't prepare me for last Friday morning.
I woke up and checked Twitter on my phone first thing. I saw that the local news had tweeted about a wreck that occurred near our school. And that a 13 year old girl had died. In my mind it couldn't have been one of mine... it had to be a private school student or a 7th grader. It couldn't have been one of mine. In the shower I had one name pop into my head and it wouldn't leave. Hailey's name would not leave my mind. I checked my email and phone but no one had said anything so I continued getting ready. I left the house and was on my way, talking to my mom when a co-worker beeped in. And that's when she told me Hailey had been killed. Call me a psychic, smart, or even psycho but God wanted me to know and to be prepared for what I would encounter that day. He wanted me to know that one of my babies was now with Him and that's why Hailey's name was stuck in my mind.
I continued on to school, making sure to ask for prayers wherever I could find them... we would need it. I prayed for strength for me at school. At our school we are teachers but even more often than that we are parents. A lot of our students didn't know about the accident until they got on the school bus or even to school. I will not forget the picture of those students coming around the corner as they always do, normally happy and energetic, but this time there was almost silence in the hallway. The teachers were scattered throughout the halls catching students who were absolutely distraught. We had put up a poster where students could write their feelings -- their first form of venting and grief. But besides that we had no idea what to do with them. We obviously couldn't go on like it was a normal day.
Later that morning we found out that another one of our students was still fighting for his life as well as Hailey's sister. Matthew was in critical condition. My heart was so heavy. One student said it best when I was talking with him and he asked, "Why would God do this to them? They were the best kids in the 8th grade." How in the world do you answer a question like that?!? By the grace of God I told him some answer that, I hope, comforted him.
This was one of my first opportunities to openly talk about faith with my students. Teaching in a public school I tend to stray away from the subject. But today we couldn't stray away from it--we had to explain the "whys." One of the first things we did Friday morning was to get in a circle as a middle school and pray. You could have heard a pin drop. It was one of the most amazing things I've seen done. We all held hands and our guidance counselor got in the middle and said, "You know guys, I don't know what to do right now and when I don't know what to do I pray. So here we go..." How awesome?!? To admit to all of us that even she--a guidance counselor--wasn't sure what to do. And that opened the doors for us to discuss things with our students.
When I was in college they prepared me for so much but never about dealing with the death of a student. The grief as a teacher is a much different kind of grief. I know what my students are going through--we lost several students while in high school. But as a teacher we are devoted to our students. I don't have human children so these are "my kids" and I pour my heart and soul into teaching them what I feel is beneficial. So to lose one of them and have another in the hospital is so hard. So hard. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done--comforting students when I'm grieving myself.
Throughout this we have had to be like parents for these students. Unfortunately a lot of them haven't received comfort at home and we are it. We have had to prepare the students for the funeral--a lot of them have never been to one. I'm not trying to sound racist but many of our Black children don't understand the customs of a White funeral... the cultures are just different. But the important thing is that they want to be there. And we are determined to make sure that happens. We polled the students and made sure that everybody who wanted to be there Friday had a ride because if not, we were going to take the activity bus to town and pick them up. College didn't prepare me to be the transportation coordinator too.
The kids want to do something. That Friday we made cards for Katie, Matthew, and Hailey's family. We got a peace lily to send to Hailey's family... something that won't die like flowers do. We are in the process of creating a video with the students to show Matthew. I'm sure more will happen, it'll just take time. I'm planning on placing a box in the room with a zebra print bow (a Hailey signature!) with a slit cut in it. This box will serve as a place where students can write to Hailey when they are feeling down. I'll give the box to her parents at the end of the year. Just another way for us all to get through it. We're putting positives on things and helping the students come up with positive ways to honor Hailey not mourn her. Because the students do know she is holding hands with Jesus and watching over Katie & Matthew.
Today is Hailey's funeral. It's at the high school auditorium and I'm sure it'll be packed. And I'll be right there with "my kids" helping them deal with their grief as students, being strong and a source of comfort even as I deal with my own grief as a teacher.
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